Alberta is where I grew up, in an average middle-class family with a Mom that was wonderfully creative, spontaneous and social and a Dad that was intellectual, logical and reserved. I feel blessed to have a harmonious balance of each of them along with my own traits. I have three brothers, each unique in their own way and doing well considering what we had to face growing up. I cannot tell their stories, only share what I observed and experienced.
We grew up in a great neighbourhood and had all of our needs met. Until grade three where Mom ‘got sick’ and was hospitalized. Dad traveled a lot for his job and my precious Grandmother came to look after us for a while. We also had ladies from the local YWCA stay with us to cook, clean and it was like a rotating door for a while there, as we were very rambunctious children, often referred to as the Chamchuk Tribe.
I was the fat kid, the sister that my brothers and their friends laughed at, teased and bullied. Just some of the names I was called were Big Bertha, and Sherman, names referring to guns and an army tank! I had struggles learning math and was called pathetic. As we grew up, we were more than often unattended, unsupervised and perhaps looking back… unloved. We acted out in our own ways. For myself there was self-medicating so I could sleep and stuff all my emotions deep down inside. I had the most brave and courageous face on the outside, but the inner me was a mess. I never felt safe, was frightened and terrified most of the time. I got beaten up, beaten down, and each time I got myself back up as no-one was there to help me. I grew so good at acting, my Dad thought everything was okay. But it wasn’t.
By the time high school came around I had already experienced my parent’s separation and inevitable divorce despite their true love in the early days. My father’s dating and living with numerous women over the years, each with their own way of not responding to us in a healthy manner made me even more bitter. I had been taken against my will by my Mother, along with my younger brother, to live in a town far from my Dad and other two brothers only to be brought back and dropped off three months later when she couldn’t manage us. I had been hospitalized for months with what turned out to be Rheumatic Fever and missed half a year of grade 7. My mom was too ‘sick’ to visit me, I felt abandoned over and over again.
Three years later, it happened. We got the phone call one late afternoon and were told by Dad to stay home until he got back. I intuitively KNEW what had happened just before the phone rang. Mom committed suicide. I could feel my connection with her torn out of me, like another piece of my Soul taken, that would never be returned. I was lost and encountered many more self-defeating behaviours through my teenage and early adult years.
I fell into the role of surrogate mother for the family and even more resentment grew. What I did not have in my life was a support system. I did not have a female role model to admire or learn from. I felt like I was processed through a cookie cutter world where everyone was taught the same thing, did the same thing and somehow grew to believe that everything would fall into place. I was told what I could and could not express, I was told how to feel or not feel. I didn’t have goals, and probably the biggest lesson of my life was learning I had choice and figuring out there were three ways to ‘manage’ anything in life. Leave, which I did a lot of. Accept, which I did little of, and Change.
Change became my modus operandi. I often questioned that ‘there must be more to life than this’ and my searching continued. I began to pay attention, watch and observe and my entire life became my case study. I worked hard constantly growing and evolving in my career and I played hard being very social and got involved in many different activities, yet something was often missing. I finally came to realize that something, was my Self.
I feel like I have learned from the outside in, only because my walls were there protecting me from outside forces. Yet it was the forces from within that really controlled me. I went through numerous times in life, where everything came crashing down on me and each and every time, I rebuilt it to an even better life. I became a master of transformation, until one year when I felt like I lost everything and was only inches away from losing my life. I lost a love I thought I would be with forever. Then on the day I moved provinces I lost my precious Grandmother and 9 months later lost my father who had become my best friend in life. I lost my new job, I lost my identity, I lost my social circle, I lost my home having to downsize, and my brand new vehicle due to financial constraints. My foundation crumbled. I lost faith in everything. You could say I was mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially and financially bankrupt.
As a child, I was sent to all kinds of traditional therapists that are supposed to help, but they didn’t. No-one worked with what was truly missing; a piece of my Soul. I had often dabbled in Metaphysics, Shamanism and Soul Retrieval, went for all kinds of readings and healing, studied Psych-K, looked deeply into my belief system, and found my endless supply of self-help books could have started their own library! Yet it wasn’t enough.
You see, I didn’t listen to the whispers. Therefore, I had to hear the screams. I was so involved with outside forces, and work, work, work… I forgot who I was on the inside. Maybe I never really knew? I never took the time to learn what I valued, or what I was passionate about, or what my gifts are. I was forced not only to slow down, but to literally stop. I became deathly ill, and physically weak, I thought I was dying. I was diagnosed with FMS/CFS in 2005. These were some of the darkest of the darkest days I have endured. Alone, far from home and lost in a health care system being thrown around like a rag-doll nobody wanted.
I took a few years off work to focus on my healing then enrolled in a return to work program where I created my first vision board. The vision I held for myself was one of balance and harmony; it was peaceful, Zen like, quiet. I would be helping others to feel this peacefulness inside and outside. It was about ease and comfort, acceptance and grace. I wanted no-one to ever have to feel like I did. I wanted to cure what I called “Spirit Sickness!” I wanted to help others become authentically whole.
During this program, I learned that I wanted to work for myself and be my own boss. I wanted to work with passion and purpose. I remembered my past love of Classical Feng Shui and how I had used these practices to shift energy in spaces and thought that may be my direction again. Having attended a Feng Shui conference in Orlando in the past, where I met and adored Denise Linn, I decided to look into her Feng Shui program called Interior Alignment® Instinctive Feng Shui and was super excited to see her new program, called Soul Coaching®! It was everything I wanted to create for others and it was right here in front of me. I took the training and have been practising Soul Coaching since 2008. Working with Denise was a blessing, I finally had someone who believed in me. And I began to believe.
I recall how challenging it was for me to sit each day and was graced by the energy of the land to make my last steps to my room each night. I know there were many in the Spirit world working with me each day and night. Much healing and growth occurred at Summerhill Ranch and continues today. The Soul Coaching program is timeless. Connecting with the community has brought many new friends and I was given the opportunity to mentor in Denise Linn’s online groups. I felt I had a purpose once again.
My health has improved over the years, it morphs and changes each day. Having learned how to ‘pace’ myself, set healthy boundaries, and find things that nourish my body and soul is today’s modus operandi. I’ve let go of who I thought I ‘should be’ and have become more of who I am. At one point I was experiencing vivid dreams explaining how I was connected to people in past lives; they were here to teach me and equally important, what I was here to teach them. I could see how we are all connected. I spent time meditating, all to connect deeper with myself and Spirit. I continue to use tools from the Soul Coaching program in my life today. I also completed my Feng Shui training becoming an instructor of the Interior Alignment® program and continually learn and grow personally and professionally.
As I evolve, my life choices are now based on passion, following my instincts and I see value in everyone and everything. I know that our mess becomes our message. I also know without a doubt that things happen for us, not to us. I have learned to let go of past baggage and only carry in my heart and home, what I want, need and love. I have learned to process my emotions, express them, set them free. My life is a work in progress and I see all those lessons (and many more not mentioned) help me have deep compassion for others going through their own ‘stuff’.’
Clearing emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical clutter helps align us with our purpose. Discover and love our authentic self, and release limiting beliefs and fears which in-turn increase self-esteem and confidence. I have learned to gently let go and create the life I desire, while bravely facing fears and boldly stepping out of my comfort zone. There is nothing I love more than seeing the lightbulb come on for people, being a part of their ah-ha moments and watching them evolve, accept and learn from life lessons, embrace change, and become all they want to be and more!
This is WHY I do, what I do. The truth really does set you free. I have been able to take my life experiences, my interests in Feng Shui, Space Clearing, and Energy Work and blend them with the empowering Soul Coaching program to assist others to create sacred space in their lives and homes. We all deserve it. It doesn’t matter if you work from the outside in, or the inside out, what matters is that you do the work.